Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

The days of good grammer has went

[at the bank]

Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future

*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*

No thanks.

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.