Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words