Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30

Gucci: What about $200?

Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”