Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
in the ocean
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
catch me on valentine’s day like
