@weekend3warrior

Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:14:”Pundamentalism”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3430342833/2313195883ea8b1008670c050efecd37_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”347090235580092416″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”104″;s:5:”tweet”;s:128:”Older single ladies,
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@better_off_dad

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

@TheCatWhisprer

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

@smalltownpete

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

@DrakeGatsby

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

@GroovyTasia

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

@iamspacegirl

which part of the centaur carries the centaur babies is it the lady torso or the horse torso and why can’t I stop thinking about this

@JermHimselfish

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.