Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?