Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane

Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child

Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush