Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped