Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
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I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.