Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
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It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
HELP 😭
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.