Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird