Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
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My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Saturday
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.