everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
The old gods are rising again.
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.