everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
How wrong was this guy?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
what the hell pray for carter everyone
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say