@The_GetawayGirl

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

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@cheeky__gal

I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.

@pilau

S tay
T he
A fuck
Y at

A home
T you

H stupid
O selfish
M bastards
E ggs

@ObscureGent

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

@jenlaw_11

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

@MartaEffing

A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it’s me at a party where they just served shrimp.

@neiltyson

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

@hippieswordfish

spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving

@Rollinintheseat

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.