I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it’s me at a party where they just served shrimp.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
spot whats sandpaper like?
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.