everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

You Might Also Like


I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight … lie.


Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.


S tay
T he
A fuck
Y at

A home
T you

H stupid
O selfish
M bastards
E ggs


[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*


Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you


A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it’s me at a party where they just served shrimp.


Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero


spot whats sandpaper like?
dog: ruff
whats the long grass on a golf course called?
d: ruff
whats the job market like?
d: steadily improving


Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.


Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.