everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]