Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
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THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.