Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
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I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
IT’S-A ME,
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
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What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando