Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
This squirrel eats better than I do
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper