Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”