Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pulls up pants*

Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school