Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Me: I’m going to shower

6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!

Me: Aw, than-

6: just some make up would help

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we

Pirate: No

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.

One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.