Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
lmao
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor