Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.

What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

🤣🤣🤣🤣

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

we all know this pain all too well

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

They grow up so quick

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*