Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
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A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR