Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
