Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
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some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“I FIXED IT!”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I think about this a lot
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her