Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.

I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.