Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?

Me: Drunk!

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is