Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*![]()
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.