Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
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I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.