Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
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I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Lmaoo 😂
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything