Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning

like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
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Phew

The Chosen Phew

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.