Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid