Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish