Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
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Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.