Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that