Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
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Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.