This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
black phone good
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on