Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*

A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*

A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*

A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*

A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mE

A: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

every single time

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*

Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramatic

Me *texting her back from motel room* am I