Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!