Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
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I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.