Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster

“Ouch!”

“Ow!”

“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”

“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”

“I think I need to ice something”

“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”

– sex in your 40’s

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

😂😂

[ first day as a bartender ]

*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes