Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.

in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

🥲

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.

“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

Instagram: My life is a party.

Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show

Facebook: My life turned out great!

Twitter: We’re all going to die.

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.