The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”
pros of being a jellyfish:
-gelatinous body type.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic
“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
SM: *starts sweating*
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*