@IamJackBoot

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

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@climaxximus

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

@mamatomy3

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@TheBoydP

Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…

@FirstGentleman

As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”

@iamspacegirl

pros of being a jellyfish:

-gelatinous body type.
-tentacles.
-sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you.
-low expectations.

@fro_vo

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

@SteveSuckington

[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”

@_ElvishPresley_

SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*

@OrangeFact

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*