Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

welp

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

[santa gently waking me] you live like this?

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

[speed dating]

Her: Nice to meet you

Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION

My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.