Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
God: letting you name each other鈥檚 breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I鈥檓 so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn鈥檛 know we were being serious.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
John Hammond: We鈥檝e got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there鈥檚 no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Wait for it! 馃ぃ馃憦馃槤
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
I can鈥檛 stop watching this.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.