Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
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I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
