Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

Santa is always broke after Christmas.

That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this

Therapist: actually you absolutely are

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.