Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Skills
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
handsome & gretel
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
never deleting this app.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700