Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
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The internet is full of many things
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.