Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.


handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.




me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?


Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.


You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control


*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*


Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.


Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.