@StephiHill

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

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@rivetingbonmots

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

@TheAndrewNadeau

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

@TheMissyBaker

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

@F5X11

You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control

@StinkyGr33n

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

@DomesticGoddss

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

@bazecraze

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.