Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
You Might Also Like
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
figuring out my emotional availability:
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.