Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!

employee: i’m sick

employer: how sick?

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

At what age should you put the tonsils back in

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

the chicken was already gone when I got here

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.