Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

realest tweet ever.

My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

*jazz hands*

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one