Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
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Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Did…did a minotaur write this
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
asking santa clause for nudes
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.