Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Ferrari squats
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
what’s really going on
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.