Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.