Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

[Surrounded by a million deer]

Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.

Homer: D’oh.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

Siri, make me pancakes.

You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?