Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Maths meets science

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

black phone good

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?

THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

[in bed]

HER: talk dirty to me

ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway

HER: I meant-

ME: I use a rat as a loofa

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza