Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
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Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
A game married people play.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries