Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Wife: It’s fine

*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

We decided to have money instead of children.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

“Everybody freeze!”
-November

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”

She: “Gnocchi dokey.”

#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes

My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

incredible text to wake up to

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

That’s fair

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W