Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.