Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I’m pretty like a car crash.

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*