Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
What happened to the other hiker??!
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back