Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.