Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.