Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.