Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
at ease…shoulder.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
emergency phone
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.