Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?