Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

*at family function..

*superglues jenga tower

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”

“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”

And those were his last words

Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.