Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
A French press is when you hug naked
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
i wish we could shoplift online
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
girls literally only want one thing..
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.