Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
This will never not be funny 😭
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that